Doctors and Patients Remix
by Sergeant Duck
Summary: Ratchet the Hatchet may have met his match. This is the re-write of the previous Doctors and Patients fic. Rating will increase as the story progresses.
1. Chapter 1

Normal, ::cybertronian::, **emphasized**, _thoughts_, *comm. line*, //bond//

**Chapter 1 - The Professionals**

Ratchet kept one audio tuned into the battle traffic while he prepared the med bay for the inevitable arrival of injured mechs. Bumblebee had run into Barricade again, which lead to the call for Autobot backup, which in turn lead to Barricade requesting assistance from his decepticon faction, and so on and so forth until Ratchet was the only one left at the base. He wondered if the Decepticons had emptied their base of all available personnel as well. Once he was sure he had prepared for just about any kind of scenario his processor could come up with Ratchet sat down and began the waiting game. He listened to the various reports as they were transmitted and hoped it wouldn't be too bad this time around.

Since the events surrounding Mission City both the Autobots and the Decepticons had been welcoming in new additions to their numbers. A small scout ship with four mechs here, a lone transport with two mechs there, a medium sized battle frigate with two full fire teams; a nasty surprise that had been on learning that addition to the Decepticons' forces. At last count the Decepticons outnumbered the Autobots but were still unable to claim the win. Ratchet accredited that to the fact that the Decepticons lacked a leader with half a functional processor while the Autobots had their beloved Prime to lead them.

Ratchet glanced around his med bay and couldn't hold back a small pride filled smile. The grateful humans had no problem in supplying the heroes of Mission City with some land on which to build a base. The med bay had been one of the first things built in their new home. It wasn't like his old bay back on Iacon but Ratchet was pleased with it none the less. Ratchet's thoughts were suddenly jolted back to the present when his designation sounded across the Autobot's frequency.

*Ratchet we have a situation, are you able to tend to a critically injured human?*

Ratchet frowned at Prowl's strange request. *Human? Is there anyway you can get it to one of their medical facilities? I can rebuild a mech damn near from scratch but humans are a little more… complicated.*

*Complicated or not we have no choice. The fighting has made all possible routes to human medical facilities inaccessible.*

Ratchet nervously flexed and relaxed his hands as he glanced around the med bay imagining the difficulties of treating an organic. *What about having a human rescue crew brought to the scene then?*

*I believe that the injured human **is **the rescue crew.*

_Frag. _ Ratchet couldn't help but feel for the human in question. His current form was based off a rescue vehicle after all. *Very well, bring them here. Hopefully, I'll be able to find what information I need to treat them on the internet prior to their arrival.*

*Acknowledged. Expect an ETA of five minutes.*

Ratchet looked up at the ceiling in exasperation as the Autobots' SIC cut the comm. line. "Five minutes. For Primus' sake Prowl! Way to give me an adequate amount of time to prepare and download!" Ratchet set to work flipping through various medical, fire/rescue, and anatomy websites. It seemed that he had barely scratched the surface of the requested information when the med bay doors slammed open to reveal Sideswipe carrying what looked like the mangled cab of a rescue vehicle similar to the CMO's own design.

"The human is still pinned inside. Prowl thought it would be safer to use our tools here to get them out."

"Makes sense I guess." Ratchet crouched on the ground in an attempt to look inside the wrecked vehicle as Sideswipe set it down. "Are you sure it is even still alive in there?"

Sideswipe sighed and shrugged. "I didn't notice any sound or movement coming from it while carrying it here. It took a missile from Starscream. Think he musta thought it was you or maybe another Autobot. Hey look, I gotta get back to the fight. Sunsteaker is still out there an I think we owe some payback to Screamer for this one. Good luck with the human!"

Ratchet frowned as he watched the red mech fold into his Lamborghini alt mode and tear out of the med bay. He turned his frown to the twisted vehicle laid before him. A brief scan revealed that there was **something** still alive within. He grabbed a variety of tools and set to work in extricating the injured human. "This would be a lot easier if I could use a welding torch, though I doubt you would appreciate me cooking you in the process" he offered the pile of metal.

It didn't take long to peel back the inferior metal frame the humans had used on this particular vehicle. He blinked in surprise to discover that there were actually two humans lying inside the twisted cab. There was shattered glass sparkling across their bodies and more then a little blood. Ratchet performed another scan of the two bodies but knew it was probably pointless for one of them based on appearances. His suspicions were confirmed as the scan revealed the heavily damaged male was beyond his help. The female however, was not too bad off. One of her arms appeared to have a minor fracture and she had several cuts though none serious. Digging through the internet and checking the various medical sites he decided that the female was probably suffering from a concussion as well, which explained the unconsciousness.

Ratchet gently removed the female from the wreckage and placed her on one of the metal repair berths. He had to adjust the magnification of his optics several times to successfully bandage her wounds and splint her arm. He managed to find a blanket (courtesy of the frequent visits from the Witwicky boy) and laid it across the wounded female to help her retain some heat. Now that she was cleaned up a bit Ratchet was able to get a decent look at her. He supposed she was attractive as far as human females went. She was well toned and had dark red wavy hair tied at the nape of her neck. Ratchet glanced back at the wrecked rescue vehicle and sighed. He was a seasoned Autobot and the CMO to boot, but despite his experience he found himself dreading telling the female human that her male counterpart failed to survive their first experience with cybertronians. He imagined that the human would not take it well when she learned the attack was likely due to mistaken identity.

The all clear sounded across the radio snapping Ratchet out of his thoughts. He moved the human female into his office carefully laying her down on his desk then returned to the med bay proper to push the wrecked cab against a far wall. He draped a tarp across it and the dead human it still contained. Autobots protected life, they would learn about the dead human soon enough, but not until after all the wounded were seen to. No need to add disheartened feelings to an already injured mech.

___________________________________________________________________________

Pain. That was the first thing that registered to Joe. She opened her eyes and squinted having a hard time focusing on her surroundings. Wherever she was it was very bright and smelled very clean. _A hospital maybe?_ "Ugh, how long have I been out?" _Ok girl, let's go over the symptoms._ _Neck pain, headache, blurry vision, loss of consciousness… well shit, even a rookie medic could tell me I'm experiencing the joys of a concussion._ She noticed the splint on her arm and after closer examination decided it was probably a sprain or a mini break at the worst. Stings and pains around the rest of her body were a given after a car wreck. She muttered to herself when she realized it would probably take at least two weeks to get all the glass worked out of her skin. Joe sat up bringing her good hand up to her head. Wincing slightly she put the pain aside and decided that she would grab some Tylenol from the hospital stock room before trying to help with the patients. After the destruction she witnessed before her own incident there was going to be a lot more patients then medical staff. _I'll be damned if they think I'm not going to do my job over a few bumps and scratches like this._ Speaking of job… "Kevin?" Joe called in an attempt to find her fellow paramedic.

Joe swung her legs over the side of the bed and went to stand only to discover that the floor was a lot further away the she thought. She hit the floor with a strangled shout. "What the hell?" Luckily it didn't feel like she had injured herself further so she stood up leaning heavily against the insanely tall bed she had just fallen from. She heard a door open and frowned at the shouted "Ratchet! It's awake and it's loose!"

"_It's_ loose?" Joe said with her best frozen ice queen voice. She closed her eyes for a moment and re-opened them in a failed attempt to clear her vision. She thought she heard something enter the room and decided that it was time to say her thank-yous to whoever her Doc was and make it clear that she had no intention of remaining in patient status. "Alright, thanks for the catnap Doc, I'll just be needing some headache meds and I'll be out of your way. I'm also going to need to know where my partner is so we can start helping out with the patients. His name is Kevin Baker and he was the other paramedic in the ambulance wreck with me."

A voice from way above where a normal person should be responding from replied in careful tones. "I am afraid that your friend did not survive. You have my sympathies. As for getting out of the way, you are in no condition. So if you will please lie back down and try to relax…"

_Kevin. Oh God._ Joe took a deep breath. She had given death notifications herself, she could handle this. There would be plenty of time for mourning later. "I see. I appreciate your concern but I still have a job to do. So if you could please tell me how I get to the casualty collection point so I can check in?"

Ratchet noticed the single tear falling down the cheek of the human female despite her best efforts. He was about to try offering some words of comfort when he heard some whispering behind his back.

"Dear Primus, she's about as stubborn as he is."

"Minus the fact that she hasn't thrown anything at anyone or cursed anyone out, she sounds like the Hatchet."

"Definitely a one track processor."

Ratchet growled and spun around to face the growing crowd of mechs. "Unless you are injured get out of my med bay now! You are **not** helping!"

Joe squinted against the lights as she glanced up looking for the owner of the loud voice. She felt her mouth drop in surprise. Vague red blurs mixed in with mostly yellow blurs, but it was the two blue blurs that **looked **at her that made her gasp.

"I'm assuming that you've noticed a few things are **off **by now?" the tall blurry thing with blue eyes replied. "Hold on a moment, let me try something with your optics errr…eyes."

Joe froze as the large blurry thing lowered itself putting it in very close proximity. More pain registered and she fell to her knees wrapping her good arm around her eyes when a bright light flashed before her. The pain receded and she cautiously opened her eyes. A pair of large glowing blue orbs she could only assume were eyes regarded her from close up. Joe's vision was still not perfect but she could most definitely see the large robot crouched down holding some device before her.

"Green then. I was not sure what color they were earlier when you were unconscious but I assumed as much. Red hair and green eyes seem to go hand and hand amongst your race. The name is Ratchet by the way; I am the Chief Medical Officer here, welcome to the Autobot base med bay."

_Autobot?_ Joe stared wide eyed as the robotic creature before her straightened to his full height. _Well whatever he is, he introduced himself, so I better do the same._ "My name is Josephine, Joe for short. I am a paramedic with… we were responding to reports of… just what the hell is going on here?!"

Ratchet raised an optic ridge and regarded the female human for a moment. "I will be more then happy to explain once we have you back on the desk where you belong." He moved with the intention of picking the human up but apparently this **Joe** was having none of that. She tried to make a run for it but only managed to make it a grand five paces before her weakened and sore body failed and she stumbled landing on her injured arm. She yelled at the sharp pain and instinctively curled around the arm cradling it protectively.

"See? You should have listened to me. I didn't go through the trouble of taking care of you only to have you injure yourself further in my med bay of all places. Now will you please relax and allow me to put you back on the desk?" Ratchet tried being nice with this human and now he found himself resorting to the kind of bullying required on the majority of the Autobot crew.

Joe glared up at him. _At least I think it's a him._ "I'll have you know that I am an experienced paramedic, a Lieutenant with my county's fire and rescue service, and am fully capable of taking care of myself thank you very much! You are **not** my chief and so you have **no** right to give me orders of any kind!" Joe forced herself not to flinch as the large yellow being quickly scooper her up in his hands and brought her to level with his face.

"Slagging stubborn aft femme!"

Joe stood and met the creature's glare with one of her own. "Fucking burnt out toaster!"

"Half pint, half trained…"

"Loud mouthed, jackass…"

The exchanges continued much to the amusement of the gathered audience of Autobots to include a very shocked Optimus Prime.

"I told you… it's a female human version of the Hatchet" whispered an awed Sideswipe.

"Give her a wrench and see if she throws it, then we'll know for sure" replied Sunstreaker.

Both Ratchet and Joe turned to the Lamborghini twins and shouted at the same time. "Shut up!!"


	2. Chapter 2

Normal, ::cybertronian::, **emphasized**, _thoughts_, *comm. line*, //bond//

**Chapter 2 - Learning**

Despite the large battle the day before, no Autobot sparks were extinguished much to the relief of their CMO. There were however, a large number of wounded. Most of the injuries were minor but with the numbers involved it was time consuming seeing to everyone's repairs. Ratchet had finally released the last of the repaired mechs out of his med bay and was in the process of cleaning when his audio receptors detected a barely audible noise from his office. "Oh wonderful" he muttered sarcastically "it's awake again." He sighed and set down the cleaning solution before opening the door to his office. A component he had been working on at his desk the other day flew through the air and smacked him in the dead center of his chest. "Now knock that off! I was trying to fix that you know?"

Joe spread her arms indicating the surface of the desk she was standing on. "Well it was the only item you had on your desk that I could throw that far. You know if you'd just let me leave you wouldn't have to put up with this harassment."

"According to your own county's protocols any patient suspected of having a concussion must be observed for no less then forty eight hours; of which we are sadly only on thirty nine hours and fifty two minutes. And since you live alone with no one to watch you I get to have the oh so charming honor of babysitting you… **Lieutenant**."

Joe growled slightly at the way Ratchet threw her rank in her face. "What do **you **know of our protocols **Chief Medical Officer**? And how do you know I don't have someone to watch me?"

"The internet is my new friend" Ratchet replied with a smug grin. "You really should be more careful with what information you humans just let float around out there. The pictures your colleagues posted on the internet from your fire department's last banquet for example. Tell me, exactly how much alcohol did you consume at that party before you decided it would be a good idea to dance on a table?"

"Low blow" Joe muttered. She silently made a promise to herself to chase down everyone at her fire house and terrorize every last one of them until all the pictures were retrieved. She turned away from Ratchet and walked back to where she was seated before the CMO's entrance.

Ratchet grinned and mentally added a point to his score as he realized that he had won this particular battle. Joe had won the last two arguments and it was starting to grate on him. He rather enjoyed their little **fights** and despite having just met her, he found himself actually enjoying her company. It was not often that Ratchet found someone capable of standing up to him and holding their own in an all out verbal duel.

Ratchet walked around to the other side of the desk curious as to what had drawn Joe away and stared in disbelief. Scattered across his desk were several datapads containing everything from cybertronian anatomy to physiology. What really made his optics go wide was the fact that it seemed as though Joe was actually studying them! "Where did you get those and what are you doing with them?!"

"I took them from your desk since you decided to make me a prisoner here; and I am learning from them. You're a medic, you know just as well as I do that our education never ends. I saw an opportunity to learn about your procedures so I took advantage of it. You accessed our internet and learned from our fire/rescue and medical sites; well now it's my turn."

"Those datapads are in a cybertronian language, how are you learning from them if you cannot read them?"

"Its tricky but the diagrams clear up a lot of the confusion. And despite the fact that you all are machines, I am seeing a lot of similarities with human anatomy. We have a heart beat, you have a spark pulse. We have blood, you have coolant and energon. We have arms and legs, you have…well **most** of you have arms or legs or something close enough to them."

Dumbfounded Ratchet dropped into the seat behind his desk and stared at Joe. "You have to be the most interesting human I have encountered to date Joe." Humans never ceased to amaze him; or perhaps it was just this human. Here he was faced with an alien species (an organic one at that!) who shared the same ideals as he did. He envied her curiosity and her ability to cope with the situation at hand; he was quite sure he would not have handled this as calmly had their positions been reversed. "Which information files have you not been able to understand? Perhaps I can explain them to you."

Joe happily dragged a datapad out of the pile and sat down. "I'm ready when you are professor."

Ratchet eagerly answered every question the human medic tossed his way. After awhile he switched to just reading the datapads out loud to her. This went on for some time until Ratchet noticed that Joe had fallen asleep. He cursed to himself knowing that he should of kept a closer eye on his patient. Her wounds were still very fresh and she still had a lot of recovering to do. A knock at his office door brought his optics up from the sleeping woman.

Wheeljack poked his head inside the door and flashed his voice indicators happily. "Hey stranger, long time no see."

"Keep your vocals down slagger" Ratchet whispered fiercely and indicated to the sleeping human on his desk.

Wheeljack blinked and his voice indicators flashed a light lavender with embarrassment. "Sorry Ratch" he whispered. "How is she?"

Ratchet shrugged. "As well as can be expected. The websites I have searched are rather vague on specific recovery times. I assume it just varies from human to human and obviously based on the actual scenario at hand." He reached over and grabbed the blanket from the berth he had dragged in earlier and placed the fabric over the sleeping figure curled up on his desk. He offered her a small smile as he managed to slide the datapad she was half lying on out from under her.

"Whats with the datapads?" Wheeljack asked as he joined the CMO next to the desk.

"She wanted to learn about the cybertronian version of her job, so I was reading them to her. She is quite intelligent for a human. A very capable medic in her own right."

Wheeljack raised an optic ridge at his friend. "You don't say. Not often the Hatchet offers up praise to anyone not to mention an organic."

Ratchet would of smacked the other mech upside the head if he wasn't worried the noise might wake up Joe. "Don't you have something to blow up in your lab?" He stood and walked over to the door leading to the med bay proper.

Wheeljack followed and gently closed the office door behind him. "Always with the blowin' up jokes. You need some new material Ratch."

"Well maybe if you didn't have your own personal repair berth in the med bay right next to Sideswipe's and Sunstreaker's..."

Wheeljack chuckled. "Ok so I've had a few setbacks in my attempt to make our lives a little better and help our cause. But at least my berth wasn't earned through failed jet judo attempts like those two hellions."

Ratchet grinned. "Touché." He walked over to one of the equipment tables and resumed his earlier cleaning. Despite his friendly banter with Wheeljack his processor was still working overtime trying to make sense of the current resident of his office. Ratchet was not easily surprised and yet this human had surprised him more then once in a short time. Not just the ability to stand up to him and toss back insults that could make even Ironhide stutter; but her desire to learn cybertronian medicine had well and truly shocked him. None of the apprentices he'd had in the past showed even half her eagerness to learn.

Wheeljack grew concerned as he watched a multitude of expressions flitter across Ratchet's face plates as he cleaned. He was beginning to think that the distracted medic had forgotten he was there. "So, shall I get Inferno?"

Ratchet paused at the sudden question and blinked over at Wheeljack. "What?"

"If anymore smoke pours outta that overworked processor of yours it will only be a matter of time before you set off the smoke detectors anyways. I figured I'd get a head start an call Inferno down to reset the detectors. Wanna save me the trouble an tell me what's goin' on?" Ratchet glared at him and Wheeljack thought he was going to give him the usual 'go frag yourself' comment. He was surprised when the medic leaned back on a table and began to speak.

___________________________________________________________________________

Joe opened her eyes and for a brief panicky moment forgot where she was. Aches and pains throughout her body gave her a quick reminder. She stretched and bit back a few choice words at the resulted stiffness and pain. She smiled down at the blanket that had fallen to her feet. Ratchet wasn't all that bad for an overbearing grouch of a robot medic. As if thinking his name had been a summons the CMO walked into the office.

"How are you feeling?"

It was amazing how much feeling could be expressed on the metal plates of these robots. The expression combined with the surprising amount of concern conveyed across Ratchet's voice threw Joe for a loop. "About how I should feel after having my ambulance shot out from under me." They had given her a hell of a briefing the other day bringing her up to speed about the whole alien sentient robots warring on earth thing. The brief had also included the fact that it had been a Decepticon named Starscream who fired on Joe's ambulance. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and her partner had paid the price. Sadness crossed Ratchet's face and Joe knew what he was thinking… or processing, or whatever it was that he did. "Stop. I don't blame the Autobots for what happened Ratchet. Kevin and I were doing our job responding to an emergency. We knew the risks of our job just like you know the risks of yours."

Ratchet nodded and tried to lighten his expression. "You would of made a fine med bot."

"Oh God, you're not going to get all sentimental on me now are you?"

Ratchet grinned. "Well fine then, you can just sit here and I will go out for a drive by **myself**."

"Whoa now, is the warden actually saying I can step outside for a bit if I behave?"

"The **warden** is saying that you seem to be in no danger from your injuries and that you are well on your way to recovery **and** that if you wanted a lift to your residence…"

"Oh hell yes! I need a shower and some real food like there is no tomorrow!"

"Well sorry about not being able to give you real food your royal highness. All we had to offer were MRE's that the military had left behind when the base was built. And I am glad you agree that you need a shower. My office is starting to smell a little… strange."

"Wise aft."

Ratchet laughed at the use of the cybertronian insult from the human. "Fast learner. I'll make you an Autobot medic yet. Now lets hit the road shall we?"

***Alright, first two chapters done. The changes are small for now but will increase later on and will become VERY obvious in some chapters. I even have two new chapters already that will be added between older chapters. Working as fast as I can...please don't hurt me!***


	3. Chapter 3

Normal, ::cybertronian::, **emphasized**, _thoughts_, *comm. line*, //bond//

**Chapter 3 - Student**

Walking to the entrance of the base was a lengthy process as all the Autobots encountered wished to inquire about Joe's health. At first Joe was a little put back at having several dozen giant alien robots showing genuine concern for her. Ratchet watched with obvious amusement as she explained for what seemed the hundredth time that yes she was doing better and that no her injuries did not pain her much. They had almost made it outside when they encountered Sunstreaker and Sideswipe.

Sunstreaker glanced down at the human female walking beside Ratchet and raised an optic ridge. "It's loose again."

"I told you, it's a **she**, not an **it**" replied Sideswipe. Sunstreaker merely shrugged indifferently in response. Sideswipe frowned at his brother but quickly replaced it with a wide smile as he kneeled before Joe. "So how's the mini Hatchet doing anyways? What's the score at now?"

Ratchet blinked at the question and was about to ask what Sideswipe was referring to when Joe answered. "Score is seven to five with me in the lead though **someone** keeps cheating and using the internet to win the arguments. And I am doing much better. Apparently, I am well enough to go play outside for a bit."

Ratchet gave up trying to feign innocence at the suggestion of cheating and smirked down at Joe. "I said I'd give you a lift to your residence, not play. You still have a bone in your arm that is not fully operational, hence the splint. I suggest not doing anything stupid until it is completely healed."

Joe silently mimicked Ratchet's speech then returned her attention to the twins. "Is he like this with you when you get hurt?"

Sideswipe shrugged and offered a sympathetic smile. "Well it doesn't take long for us to heal; we just get fixed up. But yeah, we end up with an aft load of lectures too."

"At least you don't get a wrench chucked at your head from across the med bay." Sunstreaker folded his arms across his chest and glared at Ratchet. "I've lost track of how many times I've had to touch up my paint after a so called lecture about my **health** you hypocrite."

Joe spun around to face a bored looking Ratchet. "You throw a wrench at me and I will weld your ankles together while you recharge."

"Like you even know how to handle a welding torch. And you can't get to me in recharge if you aren't let back into the base" Ratchet countered smugly.

"You're kicking her out? Why?!" Sideswipe interrupted. "This is prime entertainment right here. I've never thought of attaching a mech's ankles together before."

Ratchet rubbed a hand across his face plates imagining the twins making good use of Joe's idea. "Sideswipe, she is a human and we are in a war with the Decepticons. She was initially brought here to help her during an emergency. We cannot endanger her further. Letting her wander in and out of our base is a risk."

Joe took a step back from Ratchet and frowned up at him. "A risk" she deadpanned. "So it's ok to compliment in private but outside with your buddies looking on I become a risk. So glad to see that pig headedness is not unique to this planet."

Ratchet scrunched his optic ridges together detecting Joe's sudden apprehension. He hadn't meant for this subject to be brought up like this and certainly not in the presence of others.

*Ratchet, has anyone ever told you that your people skills suck?*

Ratchet glared at Sideswipe who stood and brushed some dirt off his legs as if he'd never sent the private comm. line.

"He's right you know."

Ratchet turned his glare from red twin to yellow. He hated it when they tag teamed across that Pit forsaken bond of theirs. "**You**, of all mechs have no room to speak about this topic!"

Sunstreaker snorted. "Yeah?" He yanked a thumb to the side indicating further outside the base. "At least I can say I've never chased off a human."

Ratchet looked back down noticing that Joe was indeed gone. He whipped his head around in the direction of Sunstreaker's thumb and saw Joe walking off into the distance. He quickly jogged after the retreating human ignoring the snickers of the two mech's he'd left behind. A short time later he skid to a stop in front of Joe and planted his hands on his hips. "Just what exactly do you think you are doing?!"

"I am going home to clean up… as per you're your instructions" was Joe's stiff reply.

"Look, Joe… "

"No, I understand. I am a liability; a risk. I do not wish to endanger others with my presence." Without another word Joe calmly stepped around the wall of yellow plated feet in front of her hoping that she was at least not walking in the wrong direction.

"Alright now that is enough!" Ratchet snapped, his large hand slamming down in front of Joe. "You do realize that I am just trying to protect you? You have no idea what you've been brought into. You heard Sideswipe! With the exception of worse case scenario destruction or direct spark injury, we can repair ourselves. You on the other hand, not so much. If you were cybertronian your arm injury could have been repaired within fifteen minutes instead of the… " Ratchet stared off into space for a moment obviously searching the internet an answer "…four to six weeks for full repair." Ratchet took a deep breath through his intakes and removed the hand that had been blocking Joe's path. "Look, I am sure you are a wonderful human medic. You also seem to have the intelligence and instinct that's on par with an Autobot medic; with the proper training. But the fact is that you are human, not an Autobot. This is not your war."

"Then what was with all that back in your office?!" Joe snarled back. "Why even bother tolerating my questions?! I thought maybe I could learn a little something and get back at those sons of bitches responsible for this! I lost my partner to **your **war on **my **planet! Kevin was all I had left! I have no family which you so kindly pointed out! My partner, Kevin, he was like a brother to me! Didn't your precious Google search tell you that?!"

Joe realized that she was losing the battle of keeping her tears back and averted her gaze to the ground in front of her. "I owe Sideswipe for carrying me still pinned in that truck all the way back to base. I owe Prowl for making the decision to have me brought to base. I owe Optimus Prime for even **allowing **me into his base."

Ratchet kneeled in an attempt to get a better look at Joe. "Joe, you don't owe us anything."

"And I owe you for taking care of me" Joe continued over Ratchet's comment. She scrubbed angrily at her eyes trying to ignore the huge blue optics watching her with concern nearby. "And why the **frag** can't I stop crying?!"

"Ever the fast learner, though it was our own fault for not watching our language around you" sighed Ratchet. "What do you suggest we do then?"

Still not meeting Ratchet's optics Joe whispered, "I don't know."

Ratchet transformed into his alt mode and opened the driver side door. "Well can I at least give you a ride or do you still insist on walking?"

Joe looked over at the open door and slumped her shoulders in defeat. She gave Ratchet her address and climbed in.

___________________________________________________________________________

It was a quiet drive with Joe apparently uncomfortable with her emotional outburst earlier and Ratchet thinking things through in his processor. Not since his academy days had he felt this… uncertain about anything he did. The war had an unfortunate way of forcing you to learn very quickly. Those who did not learn fast enough or were unable to adapt did not last long. Ratchet had learned, had adapted, and had earned his right to the title of Chief Medical Officer to the finest crew the Autobots had ever constructed. He had been lucky. He'd seen more than his fair share of apprentices, junior medics, and even seasoned medics go down and go down hard; Ratchet's last apprentice included. How could he even begin to consider a fragile human as a possible candidate?

Eventually Joe told Ratchet to pull off onto a dirt road within a thickly wooded area well east of the Autobot's base. A small cabin came into view and Ratchet was surprised when Joe confirmed that this was her place. Joe quietly exited his cab and unlocked the cabin's front door. He transformed and examined his surroundings admiring the peace and quiet of the nearly untouched area.

"This place was my grandfather's before he died. It isn't much and it's a bitch of a drive to work, but the quiet is nice. I'd invite you in but I kind of like my doorframe where it is; and my roof."

Ratchet blinked and grinned a little in return. He was glad to see that some of Joe's humor had returned even if it was a weak attempt for her standards. "Well if the invite stands, I think I can manage something."

Joe only just barely held back a yelp at suddenly seeing an adult human male standing between herself and Ratchet. "What…?"

"Hologram. It tends to look a little conspicuous driving around with no one behind the wheel so we developed these."

Joe stepped away from her front door and did a slow walk around of the hologram. He was a very average looking caucasian brown haired man; someone who not jump out in a crowd. The paramedic uniform he was dressed in was nearly identical to hers. She stopped just in front of him and grinned pointing at the brass pins decorating the lapels on his uniform. "According to this, I outrank you."

Ratchet smirked. The hologram blurred for a moment and his single brass bars became the several clustered brass bugles of a chief. "Better?"

Joe rolled her eyes and walked back to the house. "So are you able to come in or what? How far can you wander from your… um… real body? How **solid **is that thing? Can you feel?"

The hologram silently followed Joe into the cabin while Ratchet stretched out on the ground of Joe's front yard. "Back to endless questions again, much better then the silent treatment. Anymore then fifty feet or so stresses the system, though we are working on increasing the distance. As for being solid or feeling, this is only a hologram. Sensors allow me to see through the hologram but not much more."

Joe studied the hologram out of the corner of her eye as she dug through her mail. It was weird having the hologram human Ratchet walking around in her living room while the real Ratchet answered her questions from outside through the open door. "So, basically a fancy camera, slash light show on legs. Gotcha."

The hologram glanced around the inside of the small cabin and nodded with approval. Several medical certifications hung on the walls behind a desk as well as several awards and a burned up fire helmet. A couch, an entertainment center, and other small pieces of furniture made up the rest of the front room. He could make out a kitchen through one of the doors at the end of the room and what he assumed was her recharge room through another door.

"It won't take me long to get cleaned up. Did you want to wait or did you need to return to base?" Joe asked from the door to her bedroom.

"I'll wait if that's ok; I am not on shift for a few more hours." Joe nodded and disappeared into her room. The hologram continued to wander around the main room reading the various certifications and awards. He took note that several seemed to be from the United States Army. He made his way to a large bookshelf and became frustrated at not being able to physically look through the various medical books. He looked up the various titles on the internet and downloaded them for future reading. He gave his head a little shake as he considered the fact that he might be addicted to the web.

___________________________________________________________________________

Joe took a quick shower and got dressed as fast as she could not wanting to make her unique guest wait long. She peaked into the living room and smiled as she noticed Ratchet staring at her medical books. "Now you know how I felt when I found your datapads" she laughed as she stepped into the room.

"Like you said…" Ratchet called from outside "…a medic never stops learning."

Joe jumped when Ratchet's face suddenly appeared from the open front door. She sighed at his serious expression. _Well you knew he was probably going to want to talk about earlier eventually._

"Joe, about what I said earlier. I've been thinking."

"Don't hurt yourself" Joe muttered.

"Funny. How serious are you about wanting to learn cybertronian medicine?"

"Honestly?"

"Always."

"Very serious. Why?"

"Because, well, if you really wanted to, Optimus wouldn't really mind all that much if you stayed at the base, from time to time, to learn. As long as you didn't participate in any of the battles, and mostly stuck to the med bay of course. I just, thought that, maybe having a human medic around the base could be beneficial… to our human allies of course." Ratchet knew he was rambling enough to put Bluestreak to shame but was unable to stop. Joe walked to the front door and leaned on the door frame folding her arms across her chest and fixing him with an amused expression. "And your hands are small and able to assist with delicate circuitry procedures…" Joe continued to just stand there and stare at him. "Oh fine! So I miss teaching! It's been vorns since I've had an apprentice alright?!" Joe suddenly put on the biggest smile Ratchet had ever seen. He was not aware humans could do that. How did her face not hurt from being split in half like that?

"You would be willing to teach me? You'd let me help?"

"No, I am raising your hopes and then waiting for the opportune moment to completely crush you" Ratchet said dripping with sarcasm. He quickly adopted a more serious expression. "I wouldn't have asked you if I wasn't sure Joe." Ratchet blinked as Joe did what could only be described as one of those ridiculous victory dances he had seen done after a goal was achieved in the American game of football.

"You won't regret it! I promise I will do my best to learn everything you are willing to teach. And I won't get in the way at all."

"Just so long as you remember who is the boss. As of now I am the teacher and you are the student. Got it?" Joe nodded back and saluted him. A tiny warning flashed in his processor when he noted that he had seen Sideswipe salute him like that once… right before he pulled one of his more spectacular pranks. What in the name of Primus had he gotten himself into?

***I really have no excuse as to why it's taken me so long to get this chapter done. I blame Perceptor's belly shirt looking armor on TF Animated. Seriously though, last episode showed some much needed Ratchet love. Fuck yeah!***


	4. Chapter 4

Normal, ::cybertronian::, **emphasized**, _thoughts_, *comm. line*, //bond//

**Chapter 4 - Teacher**

The first day of official instruction was basic, a laying down of the rules, **Ratchet's rules**. And so help any mech (or human) that dared break his rules. It was just one of those given things, like knowing the sun was going to rise in the morning. And so Ratchet found himself explaining these rules to a rather stubborn female wannabe Autobot medic apprentice.

Ratchet's optics flashed angrily for a brief moment and attempted to explain the most recent rule again…using smaller words. "No, you cannot actually assist in your first phase of training. I know you have learned a lot but the first phase is a strictly hands off time period." Joe put on what Ratchet could only assume was the human version of a pout face.

"I don't see why not. Like you said, I've learned a lot already."

"Yes you have, but believe it or not there is more to our medicine that can be learned in a week, which is ironically about how long you have been aware of us short of misinformed TV news channels. And let us not forget that you have only learned from datapads and from the talks we've had. Are you going to tell me that you managed to learn all of your human medicine from books, a couple of talks with experienced paramedics, **and**learned it all in a week? If that's the case well allow me to bow down right now before your greatness."

Joe rolled her eyes and sighed. "Ok fine. I see your point. So what exactly will I be doing in this **first phase**?"

"You will be studying some material I have translated for you, become familiar with the various tools of the trade, and some of the more basic procedures. And lets not forget the all important skill of how to keep irritating, stubborn, half glitched slaggers from over running my med bay. This particular class also has a side lecture on how to remove Lamborghinis." Ratchet glanced at the grinning human with a considering look for a moment. "How is your throwing arm?"

"Well I did throw that thing at you in your office. But I don't think anyone is going to feel anything I chuck at them. I'm strong but not that strong" Joe replied with a defeated slump of her shoulders.

"We'll figure something out" Ratchet said as he put his hand low to the ground for Joe to get on. He walked around the med bay pointing out all the various tools, supply areas, and machines. After the previous comment about Joe's strength and the fact that he was carrying the small female around in his hand, Ratchet began to worry about how Joe was going to work with some of the equipment. All of the equipment and supplies were sized for cybertronian use, not human. _Maybe Wheeljack can help come up with something._

As if thinking his name had been a summons, Wheeljack limped into the lab leaving a trail of energon. Being quite experienced with Ratchet's temper, Wheeljack spoke out before the medic could start in on him. "Yes, this is a result of one of my inventions, yes, I know I need to be more careful, yes, I do realize that I am going to clean up my own energon that I am getting all over your floor, and yes I realize that I am a fragging, rusted out, piece of slag for making your life that much more difficult. So now that the pleasantries are out of the way can I take a seat?"

Ratchet's jaw snapped shut with a click as Wheeljack had apparently taken what he was going to say and beaten him to it. Glaring at the engineer Ratchet just pointed to a repair berth and set Joe down on a nearby table where she could watch.

"Took all the fun out of it didn't he?" muttered Joe.

"Hmph. I guess I should be glad that he is able to do so. The last time he blew up his lab he was offline for three days" Ratchet sighed.

Wheeljack managed to get up onto the berth but froze looking over at Ratchet with puppy optics at the last comment. "I didn't blow up the lab this time. But we are going to have to fix the floor again" he added sheepishly.

"I don't want to know Wheeljack" Ratchet deadpanned.

As Ratchet worked on his best friend he explained everything he was doing and hoped that Joe was retaining some of the information. Even Wheeljack helped point out a few things, though most of his attention was on the rather sharp looking tools Ratchet was using on his leg. It took about two hours to repair the damage to Wheeljack and Ratchet was pleased to see that Joe's attention never wavered and had no qualms in asking questions. She even began cleaning off the tools without being told to do so.

Wheeljack watched her with as much interest as Ratchet. "I don't think I've seen any of your past apprentices as eager as that girl" Wheeljack commented.

Ratchet nodded in agreement. "This should be interesting to say the least. I do have some concerns about how she is going to work with some of the equipment though."

Wheeljack's optics dimmed slightly and rubbed his hand along the bottom of his mask in what Ratchet knew was his thinking pose. "Yeah, can see that causing some issues. Perhaps some sort of null gravity unit could assist with the weight an size of the items."

"Well if anyone can come up with a solution fit for a mad scientist, it's you."

Joe had finished cleaning the tools that she could actually lift and managed to get up onto Wheeljack's berth despite having one arm still incapacitated. "You know it's a good thing I am pretty damn good at climbing. Cause with your attention span I'd be stuck on that other table for the rest of the day."

"My attention span is just fine thank you very much. Perhaps I just thought you could use the exercise" Ratchet replied.

Joe grinned. "Yeah, right, I knew an Alzheimer's patient who used to make the same claims." She grabbed a cloth and dipped it in cleaning solution and began to clean the dried energon off of Wheeljack's leg.

"Hey thanks!" Wheeljack said with a friendly flash of his voice indicators. He turned to Ratchet, amusement obvious in his optics. "Can we keep her?"

Ratchet grumbled as he read the definition for Alzheimer's on the internet. "How come he gets the nice treatment and I get the smart aft comments?"

Joe glanced over at him with what was becoming her famous grin. "Oh don't blow a headlight. It's not my fault you make an easier target."

"How exactly am I the easier target with the thermal nuclear warhead on legs sitting next to me?"

Wheeljack jerked and sat up straight. "Hey!"

Joe planted her fists on her hips and glared up at Ratchet. "Well for one thing, Jack here isn't painted with some sort of glow in the dark neon paint that I'd expect to see in a rave club."

Wheeljack snorted as he attempted to hold back a laugh while Ratchet tried his best to loom over the tiny human before him. "Are you making fun of my alt mode?"

"Are you making fun of my weight? You are the one who said I needed the exercise" Joe snapped back.

"Don't answer a question with a question."

"Don't ask stupid questions then."

"It wasn't a stupid question."

"Yes it was."

"No it wasn't."

"Wheeljack was it a stupid question?" Joe raised an eyebrow in the engineer's direction.

By this point Wheeljack was laughing so hard he was having difficulties pulling in enough air to cool his systems. With his voice indicators still flashing hysterically he finally managed a croaked "she does…have a point…Ratch. You looked up…the rave paint…the associated picture looks just like your…" Wheeljack fell backwards in full out laughter again unable to finish his sentence.

"Great. Just great. Dear Primus what did I do to deserve this? I have an insubordinate student and a lunatic mad scientist of a friend who likes to blow things up just to see what color smoke it makes!!" Ratchet said to the ceiling. "And speaking of blowing things up" Ratchet shoved a finger at Wheeljack's chest plate "get outta my med bay!! Don't you have a lab to repair?"

Wheeljack finally managed to get his giggles under control and gave the medic a mock hurt expression. "Awwww come on now Ratchet. You know we wouldn't tease if we didn't care."

"Out! Before you corrupt my apprentice anymore."

Joe and Wheeljack took on surprised looks.

"Corrupt me?" "Corrupt her?" they both managed to get out at the same time.

Joe shook her head. "Its ok Wheeljack, I'll catch up with you later. Maybe I'll show you how to make an MRE bomb or something."

"MRE bomb? What's that?" Wheeljack asked with genuine curiosity.

"Oh no you don't" Ratchet said angrily as he grabbed a wrench. "Don't go giving him ideas. Wheeljack get going or else" he punctuated the 'or else' with a slight hefting of his wrench.

Wheeljack's voice indicators flashed with surprise and he jumped off the berth making it out the door just as a wrench slammed against the doorframe.

Ratchet walked over to the thrown tool and picked it up. He stood back up and slowly turned around to glare at Joe sitting on the repair berth with an innocent looking expression.

"What?" Joe asked as she shrugged her shoulders.

"You know it was bad enough with just Wheeljack and those pit spawned twins. With you added to the mix I am more convinced then ever that I will end up meeting with the Matrix before my time is due. But until then get your datapad out; I am going to make you take enough notes to wish you'd never heard of the word neon." An evil smile had worked its way onto Ratchet's faceplates as he approached the repair berth.

Joe sighed. "Frag."


End file.
